@Underchilde

*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*

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@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@dumbbeezie

Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos

@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

@Cheeseboy22

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

@Jermaine_Accram

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

@dshack8

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

@robknepper

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.