That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.