@Underchilde

*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*

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@mrs_campfire

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

@lecalabara

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@Terdoh

I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

@serialstealer

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

@batkaren

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

@TheMichaelRock

If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.

@trims_the_fat

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.

@MrJamesCosgrove

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits