– Parallel parking my time machine
*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*
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Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”
Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.