*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*

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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND



Phoebe is TALENTED


Chandler is FUNNY


Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.


I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”


I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.


[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready


Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”


If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.


Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.


Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits