Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.