Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.