Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.