*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.