Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turning my gender off to conserve energy

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

How actors in movies eat their food

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet