Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Fruity

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no