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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Netflix: We have Less
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!