Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.