*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Happy Halloween 🎃
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Sign at work today
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Sooo many times…..
