*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes