Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

Muppet Screams

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.