Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

I think I’m having a stroke

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.