Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good