Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine