*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
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I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries