*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
