*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
You Might Also Like
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
WTF IS THAT!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.