*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
reviewed some movies recently
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
