*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
