Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.