Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom