*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
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being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
When your man makes a valid point
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
how high up are we talkin’?
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Autocorrect is my menesis
crochet youtube is brutal
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece