@jergarl

*goes to bank

Me: Hi, I need a loan.

Banker: How much and what for?

Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.

*goes to bank

Me: Hi, I need a loan.

Banker: How much and what for?

Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.

- @jergarl

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@TheHyyyype

tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister

@theguywitheyes

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

@GrumpyBahr

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

@handsock_butts

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

@StayNobody

[Drug Deal]
How do I know ur not a cop?
“If I was a cop would I do this?”
*Starts break dancing*
That’s not as much proof as you think it is

@Molly_Kats

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@dafloydsta

[on Dating Game]

HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?

[I glance at the stains on my shirt]

ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.