A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
*goes to bank
Me: Hi, I need a loan.
Banker: How much and what for?
Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”