@jergarl

*goes to bank

Me: Hi, I need a loan.

Banker: How much and what for?

Me: Seventy three thousand. I’m making guacamole for the super bowl.

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@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

@Chumpstring

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

@Thynebear

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@ByYourLogic

i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later

@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@mommy_cusses

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

@mikeleffingwell

It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”