Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok