Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

I stand by it

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

They did not miss in the small print

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.