Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.