{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?