*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?