*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
happy halloween
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.