*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
We will use anything but the metric system
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
God has left this place
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle