*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
time machine? you mean a clock?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.