Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.