*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you