*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.