*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.