*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers![]()
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?