Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream