<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Mistakes were made
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably