Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

(Electricians.)

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

All. The. Damn. Time.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.