Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage