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My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
constantly working on myself.
never deleting this app.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions