@Shot_Of_Cabo

*Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*

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@Tmoney68

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

@MissLynette13

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

@Northside_Mike

Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.

@AntozWolf

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

@Ivsy01

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

@Cpin42

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

@chrissyteigen

i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat