*Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*

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Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.


Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.


Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.


I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.


People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.


Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news


My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.


i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat