Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

plums roundup

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Where is your GOD now????

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.