Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.