I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.