Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

as the prophecy foretold

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.