*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Erm…
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting