*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead