Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron