Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Growing out my freckles.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell