*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“i miss shittin on people”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.