*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace