*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
This made me chuckle.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.