Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

*launders Kohls cash*

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.