*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A