*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…