*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
#damn
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.