*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee