@PrinceGreenJr

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

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@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@GingerHotDish

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

@OctopusCaveman

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@neonorchid1

I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[restaurant]

Me (waiter): Say when

Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD

@josePhDhoran

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