I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*
Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Brain: stop eating!
B: you’ll get fat
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.
Me (waiter): Say when
Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD
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