*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.


Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂



Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*


[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”


PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.


My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.


can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.


Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.


[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler


Been plant based for a couple of months now and I’m starting to get that air of superiority. Aww, you don’t feel well? It’s your diet. Having trouble sleeping? So do those chickens in their cages. Backed your car into a lamppost? What’d you expect, carnivore???