Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Cucumbers Anonymous

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner