*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
You Might Also Like
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Toxic snake
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t