Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!