Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

yes… yes…

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Battery falling down a hole

Eating for two.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down