*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
long lost
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.