Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

never deleting this app.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Breaking news:

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is