Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Dance like you’re not the father

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.