Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

in the ocean

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.